


Potions

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: All Roads Lead to Spirk, Angst, Anti-Love Potion, First Time, Gay Sex, Love, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Right vs Wrong, Romance, Sacrifice, Sex, Sexual Content, jim pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-04-29 10:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5123993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the successful conclusion of a mission on the planet, Tolsing, Jim is offered two potions by the premier. One for Love, One for Unlove (Hate).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Premier's Gifts

**Author's Note:**

> The inspiration for this was a Twilight Zone episode where a man used a love potion to ensnare the woman of his dreams.

“What is it you want, Captain? Above all things?” The Premier of the planet, Tolsing, asked him as she brought him through their Sacred Gardens.

Jim smiled. “The negotiations are concluded, Premier. There’s no need to offer me a bribe.”

She laughed, her cheeks dimpling prettily. She had been beautiful once, Jim surmised, was actually beautiful now, though she was hundreds of years older than him. The Tolsings lived even longer than Vulcans.

Her face was lined with age though and she had informed him she likely only had twenty or so years left.

“And I thank you for your diplomatic skills, Captain. They are much appreciated. I have already sent my report to your Federation praising you and the members of your crew. And we were thrilled to afford your crew shore leave after the negotiations were concluded.”

“You have a beautiful planet.”

“Indeed, and we are quite prideful in it.” She gestured to the gardens. “You must admit the fragrance of our flowers is without compare.”

Jim inhaled. “It really is extraordinary.”

She smiled again. “I make potions with their oil extracts and petals.”

Jim cocked his head. “Potions?”

“For anything you wish, Captain. They are magical.”

He laughed at that. “Magical potions, Premier?”

“Do you doubt me? There are many things you do not know about us.” She stopped him by a large fuchsia colored flower. “But I know something about you, Captain.”

“Do you?”

“What you want above all things is the love of your first officer, Mr. Spock.” She smiled knowingly. “Is it not?”

Jim blinked in surprise. “What? No. No. Why would I want that?”

“Don’t be coy. I know what is in your mind, Captain.”

He frowned. “You are mind readers?  You did not disclose that before the negotiations.”

“Oh, I didn’t use the skill for undue influence, Captain. I do have my ethics, though, they might not be the same as yours.” She pointed to the flower. “This flower provides the essential oils for the potion you need.”

“And what potion is that?”

“A love potion,” she said softly. “One drop of the potion in his tea and Mr. Spock will be devoted to you, Captain.”

“I-I can’t do that.”

“You certainly can. I assure you the potion works quite well.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him through the open French doors and into her house.

Then she pulled him into a room where Jim saw several little colorful bottles. She stopped in front of an amethyst colored tall, thin bottle with a cork stopper. On the bottle were the words, ‘Loves Me’.

“Here we are, Captain. Just one drop in the Vulcan’s tea and he will be devotedly in love with you.” She pushed it into his hand. “And don’t worry, it won’t harm him in any way. He won’t taste it or know anything about it. It will just be your little secret.”

Jim stared down at the bottle. Spock in love with him? Jim could barely imagine it. He’d wanted that exact thing for so long. He pushed that idea aside when Spock was with Uhura. And then when they broke up, for just a moment there was hope, but Spock didn’t act any different toward Jim than he ever had, and the hope died.

“You’re tempted, aren’t you?” she asked.

He swallowed. “Of course I am.”

“Just one drop.”

“Does it wear off? After a time?” Jim could hardly believe he was contemplating it. What was wrong with him?

“No, it does not.” She eyed him speculatively. “There is but one antidote to the potion.” She moved on to another shelf with bottles and chose a square brown bottle with a glass topper. On it were the words ‘Does Not Love Me’. She shook her head. “One drop of this would be what it would take. It removes the effect of the love potion, yes, but also can make the recipient not only cease to love you, but hate you as well. And the taste … it is bitter. Like the sentiment.”

Jim bit his lip. “I couldn’t.”

“No? But that is what you wish most, is it not?”

“Yes, but it wouldn’t be real.”

“Oh, indeed it would. Spock would truly love you.”

Jim held up the amethyst bottle. “But only because of this. It wouldn’t be his own feelings, but feelings given to him by your potion.”

She smiled somewhat mysteriously. “So you believe my potions are magical then.”

Jim jumped a little, startled. “Well. I mean. I don’t know. I have no reason not to believe you.”

The premier’s smile softened. “Take both potions. If you find you truly cannot be happy with his love, then you can undo it with the other.” She put the brown bottle in his hand.

“I don’t know.”

“Just be wary of the brown bottle, Captain. Its effects can be very much not what you desire.”

****

“What are those?” Bones asked Jim as they prepared to beam aboard the Enterprise at the conclusion of their mission and shore leave on Tolsing.

“Gifts from the Premier.”

“You even charm old ladies,” Bones said with a shake of his head. “What are they? Perfumes?”

“No.” Jim laughed. “Energize.”

They reappeared on the Enterprise.

“Welcome back, Captain,” the transporter chief greeted him.

“Thanks.”

Bones followed him from the room.

“Food flavorings.”

Bones frowned. “Like vanilla?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Should I check them to make sure you aren’t allergic?”

Jim shook his head, his heart racing a little in panic. “No, no. I’m not going to use them any time soon. Um, I’ll let you test them before I taste them. How’s that?”

Bones nodded. “All right. See you later?”

“Yeah.”

Jim made it to his quarters and set the bottles down on his desk.

“Spock to Captain Kirk.”

Jim hit his comm. “Kirk here.”

“Everything is normal, Captain. We’re preparing to leave orbit of Tolsing now.”

“Excellent, Mr. Spock.” Jim licked his lips. “Are you free later?”

“Chess, Captain?”

“Yeah. Say 1900 hours, my quarters?”

“I will be there.”

“Kirk out.”

Jim picked up the amethyst colored bottle and let out a shaky breath. He couldn’t do it, could he?


	2. It Doesn't Work

“Captain.”

Jim’s heart was pounding. Was it 1900 hours, already?

Sure, his heart always pounded faster when Spock was around. But this was different and he knew it.

Spock looked perfect. He wore his uniform, of course, and not a strand of hair was out of place. He’d worked a long shift and there were absolutely no signs of fatigue. He was calm, cool, and spectacular.

Jim, however, who had taken a nap before Spock came, felt off-kilter. Groggy. Tired as hell. He’d viewed himself in the mirror before Spock’s arrival and he had winced at the dark smudges under his eyes.

“Hey.” His voice had cracked. Great. “It’s 1900 already?”

“At this precise moment it is 1902.”

Jim smiled. “Of course. Have a seat.” He cleared his throat. “Tea?”

“Affirmative.” As Jim turned toward the replicator, Spock said, “May I make a query?”

“Yeah.”

“You have just returned from shore leave. You do not look very rested. Was the shore leave not to your liking?”

Jim pulled Spock’s tea out of the replicator and stared at it. He swallowed heavily, holding the amethyst bottle in his hand. This was wrong. He knew it was. And yet…Spock loving him. Wanting him. Everything he ever wanted.

If this potion worked.

Maybe the old lady had been teasing him. The Tolsing were known for having bizarre senses of humor. Hell, maybe the potion would turn Spock into a frog or something.

“Captain?”

“Just a second.”

He uncorked the bottle, his hand shaking. If he did this, was there any going back? The brown bottle. He could undo it with the brown bottle if it became too much.

_“Just be wary of the brown bottle, Captain.”_

A drop of the potion marked ‘Loves Me’ landed in Spock’s tea with a very tiny splash.

Jim set aside the cup of tea and made his coffee. He shoved the bottle into his pocket. He picked up both cups and brought them to the table where the chess game had been set up.

“Tolsing is beautiful,” he told Spock.

“But?” Spock arched his brow.

“No buts.” Jim smiled. “Maybe I partied too much while I was there.”

“I will never understand the point of shore leave to humans,” Spock said with a shake of his head. “Dr. McCoy said the Premier was quite taken with you.”

Jim picked up his coffee cup and took a swallow. “Did he?”

Spock nodded. “Said she even presented you with gifts.”

Jim’s hand shook so badly he spilled coffee all over his pants. “Shit.” He jumped up.

“Captain? Are you all right? Did you get burned?”

“Not really. But damn.” Jim shook his head and set his coffee cup on the table. “I’ll be right back. Gonna change these pants.”

He went to his drawer and pulled out some sweatpants and headed for the bathroom.

Keep it together, Jim.

Just go back in there, spill Spock’s tea, and get him a new one. What were you thinking anyway? With Bones’ big mouth he’s gonna know all about it.

Jim stepped back into his quarters from his bathroom. Spock had the teacup to his lips.

“Don’t,” Jim said quickly.

But he could see Spock swallowing from across the room. His eyebrow was quirked, no doubt wondering how he could tolerate his illogical captain.

“Captain?”

“Don’t…forget it’s your turn to go first.” Jim watched Spock as he approached the table.

“Indeed.” Spock made his move.

Jim watched carefully. Spock showed no signs of being any different. He didn’t suddenly lunge over the table to grab and kiss Jim.

“Captain, your move.”

Jim nodded absently and moved his pawn. “Are you…do you feel all right, Mr. Spock?”

“I can offer no complaints currently.”

Jim licked his lips. “No?”

Spock tilted his head. “Are you unwell? You appear to be paler than usual.”

“I am feeling a bit off, yeah.”

“We can continue this match another time, should you wish to delay it.”

“Yeah. Maybe that’s for the best, Mr. Spock.” He offered Spock a smile.

Spock stood, lifting the cup of tea to his lips once more. Jim watched Spock take a couple of sips, seemingly unaffected.

“You can take that with you, if you like.”

“It does seem to have a very pleasing flavor tonight.”

“Then go right ahead.”

Jim walked Spock to the door. No matter how much he watched the Vulcan, though, there was no change at all in his behavior.

“Night, Mr. Spock.”

“Goodnight, Captain.”

Jim sunk down onto his sofa. He had to admit he was both relieved and disappointed that the premier seemed to have been playing some sort of jest on him after all. There was nothing particular about the love potion at all.

Or maybe he hadn’t gotten enough of it in the tea. Or maybe it simply didn’t work on Vulcans. Or maybe the old lady really was just teasing him.

It was probably for the best anyway. No. It was for the best. No probably. Jim shook his head.

Stop being stupid, Jim. You should be glad it didn’t work on Spock.

Jim rose and finished his own coffee, then discarded the cup into the appropriate chute to be washed later.

He pulled off his shirt, intending to go to bed when his door chimed.

“Open.”

The door slid open and Spock stood in the doorway.

“Spock?”

He stepped inside. “Jim, I—”

Jim frowned. “Are you okay?”

Spock blinked rapidly. “My pulse is racing. My heart is aflutter.”

“A-Aflutter?” Spock did not use such words.

Spock took a step closer. “And you are to blame.”

“Me?” Jim squeaked. “But I didn’t even think it would—”

Spock grabbed Jim’s arms and pulled him flush against him. His dark eyes were wide and wicked looking. They narrowed as they stared at Jim.

“Mine,” he growled.

“Y-Yours?”

“Oh, yes, Human. _Mine_.”


	3. Completion

Jim found himself slammed up against the bulkhead in his quarters. One of Spock’s hands curled around the back of Jim’s neck and the other rested on his clavicle below his throat on the right side. The fingers on Spock’s hand twitched and Jim drew in a breath.

“Spock—” Was Spock going to kiss him or murder him? Jim wasn’t sure. He licked his lips. “Um, listen. You shouldn’t do something you’re going to regret later.”

“Regret?” Spock’s gaze dropped to Jim’s lips. “I crave you. You are my sun, my light, all that I am.”

Jim’s heart set to beating in a staccato, almost painful. These were the words he’d wanted to hear. He dreamed of for so long. And now Spock said them. And Jim wanted them to be true.

“The thing is—”

“I feel your desire,” Spock said in a low voice as he looked at Jim from under his lashes.

“You-you what?”

Spock pressed against Jim, rubbing his erection against the hard ridge of Jim’s own cock.

“Oh. Yeah.” Jim’s tongue traced his lips again. “I do want you.”

“And I want you. We will copulate.”

“Copu—um. Well.”

Spock’s hand moved from his clavicle to his jaw, his thumb rubbing against the barest hint of stubble there. “You do not wish for me to take you?”

“No. I mean, yes. I mean, of course I do.” Jim’s head was swimming. And lust was shorting out his brain. Spock was here, pressing against him, practically radiating dominance and sex. Jim’s inner submissive was quaking.

Spock’s lips curved upward. “You have already removed your shirt for me. It will be nothing to have you naked beneath me.”

“Well, not nothing. I’m pretty incredible.”

“You are quite amusing, my James.” Spock leaned into Jim, his lips trailing across Jim’s throat. “I wish to mark you as mine.”

“M-Mark?”

He felt the sting of Spock’s teeth. Jim closed his eyes and moaned.

“You like that, do you not, James?”

“Yes,” Jim whispered.

‘You will like all that I do to you, my beautiful one,” Spock murmured against his throat. “In ancient times, Vulcans claimed their mates on the desert dunes as the sun beat down on their naked bodies.”

Jim swallowed. “Mates?”

“Hmm. There was no logic then. Only savagery and want. Need.”

Jim shook as Spock nipped just under his ear.

“There are no dunes here nor las'hark, but I will claim you anyway.” Spock moved his mouth from Jim’s throat across his jaw and to his lips. “You are mine, James Kirk. As you always were and always will be.”

His world tilted and he was floating in air and for a moment it didn’t register that Spock had swooped him up into his arms and was carrying him to his bunk.

Jim was laid gently upon the mattress, on his back, as he gazed up at the magnificent Spock. Spock was removing his own shirts, revealing pale skin, and defined muscles as well as dark hair smattering Spock’s chest.

“Do you like what you see, ashal-veh?”

Jim nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He was almost impossibly hard. He slipped his hand down to squeeze the ridge in his pants, pulling a moan from his lips.

“Do not touch yourself until I tell you to do so,” Spock said sharply.

Jim moved his hand away, hearing a whimper coming from himself.

Spock removed his boots and then his pants and boxer briefs until he stood nude before Jim and Jim thought he was the most incredibly beautiful man he’d ever seen. And Jim was going to get to be with him.

For a moment his mind went back to the potion and filled him with a sense of guilt and dread.

Then Spock was reaching for the fastenings of Jim’s pants and then sliding them from his body and all Jim could think about was being with Spock. Having his love.

Spock’s gaze became almost unbearably intense as he looked down at Jim. “You are extraordinary, t’hy’la,” Spock whispered reverently. “That you want me as I want you, humbles me.”

Jim’s gaze went to Spock’s penis, double ridged and dripping fluid.

“It does provide some lubrication,” Spock said following his gaze. “But you will have more. Where is your lubricant?”

Jim opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a squeak. He pointed to the set of drawers by his bed. Spock stepped over there and pulled the top drawer open. He returned with a bottle of lube.

Spock knelt on the bed, the lube momentarily forgotten, as he sealed his lips to Jim’s. Jim had been kissed dozens of times. Maybe more. He was good at kissing. He knew he was. And yet…kissing Spock was like some preternatural out of body experience. It was warm, it was safe, it was tingly and exciting in ways he had never experienced.

He opened his mouth as Spock’s tongue forced its way inside, dueling, tangling, seeking out Jim’s tongue. The kisses deepened until Jim could barely draw a breath and he did not care. He looped his arms around Spock’s neck, closed his eyes, and forgot about anything other than kissing Spock. The Enterprise could blow up around them and Jim would hardly care.

Though Spock continued his kissing assault, Jim felt his ass cheeks being parted, and lubed fingers being pressed into him. He spread his legs to give his soon to be Vulcan lover better access. Fingers sawed into him, the sensation alien though not unwelcome.

His legs were lifted, Spock linked one hand with one of Jim’s, and then Jim gasped into Spock’s mouth as Spock’s cock penetrated him. The sting, the fullness, the unfamiliar fill of a cock up his ass made him grunt, stiffen.

Spock broke the kiss. “James?”

Jim licked his swollen lips. “I’m fine.”

“You have never done this?”

He shook his head. “First time for everything, yeah?”

Spock stared into Jim’s eyes, his brown eyes so soft and filled with love that it made Jim ache with both happiness and sorrow. “No one else will ever have you,” Spock said so softly it was like a whisper carried away on the wind.

The hand not holding Jim’s, slipped between their bodies and curled around Jim’s hard cock. Jim mewled. Spock’s lips curved very slightly in his version of a smile and he began to thrust very slowly and very deeply inside of Jim.

It was exquisite torture. They were joined in a way Jim had never really thought would happen. So close. So wrapped in each other. Spock released Jim’s hand to smooth his own hand across Jim’s face and all at once it felt like every spot of his body was on fire with pleasure as he could not hold back the cries of ecstasy wracking his body.

It seemed to go on for hours, this coupling, Spock moving within him, taking great care in giving Jim such pleasure as he had never had, all the while looking into Jim’s very soul with those deep, dark eyes.

“Spock,” Jim whispered, his eyes half closing as his heart was ready to burst with love, with lust, with the rightness of being this way. With Spock.

****

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

Jim opened his eyes to find Spock gazing down upon him. Spock was smoothing back Jim’s sweat soaked hair from his forehead.

“What does that mean?”

“I cherish thee. It is a close equivalent of I love you.”

Jim’s heart was torn between racing and plummeting. He felt both happy and shamed. “I love you, Spock. So much.”

“I am gratified.”

Spock lay down beside him, then. Resting his head on Jim’s oversized pillow directly next to Jim. Spock’s eyes were closed and he looked incredibly content. Jim brushed his knuckles across Spock’s cheek and tried to push away the image of an amethyst bottle.    


	4. It's Like It Was Magic

“If you do not mind, Captain, I need to go to one of the labs before my shift to check on an experiment,” Spock said as he finished his tea at breakfast.

They were in the mess room and Spock was seated very close to Jim. Across from them was Bones, who had been eying them with curious suspicion throughout the meal.

“No, no, go ahead.” Jim smiled.

There was softness in Spock’s brown eyes that had never been there before when he looked at Jim. At least not that Jim had ever noticed. Spock had stayed with him the night before and they had even shared a shower together.

Spock discreetly stroked his fingers against Jim’s before rising. “Doctor.”

“Spock.”

“I will see you on the bridge, Captain.”

“Yeah, see you.”

Jim turned back around to see Bones staring intently at him. “What?”

“You and the hobgoblin are together.”

“Well, I don’t—”

“Together together.”

“You have a weird habit of repeating yourself.”

Bones snorted. “Don’t deflect on me, kid. You slept with him.”

Jim felt himself blush. “How do you know?”

“Because that Vulcan was practically sitting in your lap. Not to mention I saw that little finger thing, even if he didn’t want me to. And you have that ‘I just got laid’ look on your face.”

Jim scowled. “Do not.”

“Oh, you definitely do. Then there are the love bite marks all over your neck.”

Jim flushed and hunched down.

Bones smirked. “Have to say, though, I’m really surprised.”

Jim picked up his coffee and took a sip. “Surprised? At what?”

“That you and Spock are together. Look, I’ve known you had a thing for him, but I never would have thought he had a thing for you.”

Jim frowned. “Thanks.”

Bones waved away his sarcasm. “Don’t get me wrong. I think Spock likes you more than he likes most anyone, but I didn’t think he had a romantic bone in his green-blooded body. There was a reason he and Uhura didn’t make it.”

“Maybe she was the one who couldn’t make it work.”

“Oh, I’m sure of that. But I’m also sure she couldn’t make it work because of him. He didn’t give her anything to work with.” Bones shook his head. “Maybe it will be different with you. He does seem besotted.”

Jim’s stomach flipped uneasily. “Besotted?”

“Vulcan besotted, yeah. He’s always been…softer with you than just about anyone, but he was downright gooey for you this morning. It’s like it was magic or something.”

Jim set his coffee cup down hard.

Bones stared at him wide-eyed. “What the hell, Jim?”

“It, uh, slipped out of my hand. Sorry.”

“What’s gotten into you? You’re jumpy.”

“Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night,” Jim admitted.

“I sure as hell don’t want to hear why. I can already guess.”

“Don’t be a pain. That wasn’t all of it. I was also reading up on a new mission the Fleet sent us.”

“Please don’t tell me it’s another diplomatic one,” Bones grumbled.

“Yeah, actually it is. Too rival tribes need a neutral negotiator to figure out a peace agreement between them.” Jim pulled out his PADD.

“Are you the negotiator?”

“Not this time. We’re supposed to pick up an Ambassador from Starbase 4 and transport him to the planet, Roosedale.”

“Roosedale?” Bones asked, incredulous.

Jim shrugged. “Named after one of their early settlers, I guess. How should I know?”

“Who’s the ambassador?”

“I don’t know that either.”

Bones sighed. “What _do_ you know?”

“That it’s time for me to go to the bridge, that’s what.” Jim rose from his seat. “Catch you later, Bones.”

He got into the turbolift alone but it stopped on another deck and Spock joined him.

Jim smiled. “Hey. Fancy meeting you here.”

Spock quirked a brow. “Indeed.” He stopped the lift and pushed Jim against the wall.

“Spock? What-what are you doing?”

His mouth inches from Jim’s, Spock said, “I would have thought that was obvious, James.”

“But you don’t do—”

Spock’s lips crushed over his, stealing his breathe as well as his words. The kiss was dizzying. But Jim gently pushed on Spock’s chest after a moment of indulgence.

He smiled at Spock who blinked as though in confusion. “Professional, you know?”

Spock exhaled slowly. “Yes, Captain. You are right. I apologize.”

“No, it’s all right.”

“It is merely that you are a great temptation for me.”

Jim’s stomach gave a sickening lurch. They’d ridden in the turbolift dozens of times. And Jim had never been a temptation for Spock before. Before the potion.

Spock restarted the lift. It stopped again on another deck and Uhura got in with them.

She smiled somewhat quizzically. “I wondered what the delay was. For a moment I thought it was Chekov and Sulu again. Was surprised it was you two.”

Jim cleared his throat. “Chekov and Sulu?”

Uhura shrugged a little.

The doors opened onto the bridge and they all got off, Jim going immediately to his chair.

“Ensign, plot a course for Starbase 4.”

“Aye, Keptin,” Chekov replied.

“Warp 2, Mr. Sulu.”

“Captain, Ambassador Sarek is hailing us. Channel one.”

Jim exchanged a look with Spock who came to stand beside him. “On screen, Uhura.”

Sarek appeared on the screen looking his usual super cool Vulcan self. He was raising his hand in the ta’al, so Jim did the same.

“Greetings, Captain Kirk. I await you on Starbase 4.”

“You’re the ambassador we’re transporting to Roosedale for the negotiations?”

Sarek inclined his head. “Indeed.”

Jim once more exchanged a look with Spock. He licked his lips. “Our estimated time of arrival is eight point six hours, Ambassador.”

Sarek nodded. “I will be waiting.”

The screen went blank and Jim was left with a queasy stomach. Not only would he be dealing with a Spock he had forced to fall in love with him with a potion, but now Spock’s father. He was seriously getting a headache.

_Be careful what you wish for._

“Are you unwell, Captain?” Spock asked, the barest hint of alarm in his voice.

“No. Just a-a headache.”

“If you would like to rest, I will take the conn.”

Jim was tempted to take him up on that. “Did you know we were picking up your father?”

“I did not.”

“Hmm. I think I will do something about this pain in my head. I won’t be long, Mr. Spock.”

“As long as you need.”

Jim returned to his quarters and picked up the headache pills Bones had prescribed for him, but his gaze stopped on the two bottles on the shelf where the pill bottle was.

_‘Love Me’_

_‘Does Not Love Me’_

“What have I done?” he whispered.  


	5. Hold Still Right Before We Crash 'Cause We Both Know How This Ends

Jim hadn’t really meant to fall asleep when he laid down to rest his head, but he must have, because he was awakened by Spock kissing his jaw and then nibbling at his ear.

“Spock?”

“You are awake, ashayam.” Hot breath ghosted over his ear and down to the pulse point of his throat.

Jim licked his lips. “Um, shouldn’t one of us be on the bridge?”

“It is taken care of.”

“Your father—”

“We will not reach the starbase for another six point five hours,” Spock said, his tongue lapping at the spot on Jim’s neck he had just bit.

“You really are bitey.”

“That is not a word.”

Now that certainly sounded like his Spock.

“That is correct, I am your Spock.”

Jim froze. “Wait. Did you read my thoughts?”

Spock rose from Jim’s neck, eyeing him with an arched brow. “Of course not. You spoke it out loud.”

“Oh.” Jim let out a relieved breath. “You can’t do that, can you?”

“I am a touch telepath, James. But not your direct thoughts as of yet. I can get emotions, yes.”

Jim was too relieved to think too much on the ‘as of yet’ part of Spock’s sentence, but he did file it away for further consideration at some point.

“How is your head, my James?”

“It’s okay, I think. I took some of Bones’ instant cure pills.”

“I am gratified for the doctor’s care of you.”

Jim arched both of his brows. “Since when?”

“You are of the utmost importance to me and therefore I have always appreciated his care of you.” Spock tilted his head. “That does not mean I appreciate all there is to the doctor.”

“Uh. Yeah.”

Spock’s hand gripped Jim’s chin. “You are apprehensive. What is it you fear?”

Well, in this he could be honest, Jim supposed.

“That none of this is real,” he whispered.

Spock’s other hand came up to rest on Jim’s chest. “You are my heart. There is no need to be afraid.”

Spock was kissing him then and Jim closed his eyes, pushing away his nerves and guilt for the moment. He wanted this. Had always wanted this. And if it really were temporary and not real as he feared, then perhaps he would have memories when it all blew up in his face. Which it would.

His clothes were being removed without him hardly noticing, not that he had any intention of protesting it anyway. He had never imagined Spock would be this horny and sure as hell wasn’t going to complain.

Jim was flipped onto his stomach and Spock’s was between his cheeks, licking at the rim of his ass. He curled his fists into the sheets. Never had he even thought of something like this and yet, here was Spock, performing it on him.

He shuddered and shook, moans and whimpers falling from his lips without hesitation. Then Spock was rising above him, entering him, pulsing in him, taking him with more force and passion than he had ever known.

****

“When was the last time you had something to eat, ashayam?”

Spock’s voice broke the silence and the lull of his half-dozing state.

“Breakfast.”

He felt the bed move and then Spock was rising.

“It is time for you to eat again. You do not eat nearly enough. What would you care for?”

“I don’t know. Spaghetti?”

“Very well.”

Jim struggled up from his stomach and rolled over. He blinked to clear the last of the daze from his eyes and rubbed his head. “I need another shower before I greet your father. I smell like his son.”

“Agreed,” Spock replied. “But there is time.”

Jim bent down and picked up his boxer briefs and pulled them on before going to the table in his quarters where Spock had set his spaghetti. Spock had chosen what looked like potato soup. For a moment they ate in silence.

But Jim could never be silent for long.

“So, how do you say it? May I make a query?”

Spock nodded. “Yes. And yes.”

“If you…well, why did it take you so long to realize you loved me?”

“It did not.”

“Didn’t it? I mean you never said anything before until, you know, last night.”

“Nor did you.”

Jim couldn’t argue with that. “I wasn’t sure you would feel the same.”

“Indeed.”

Well, that was fairly vague. Was Spock saying it was the same for him? He really should have asked the Premier more questions.

“You have stopped eating.”

Jim sighed and began to eat his spaghetti. The thing was, Spock never seemed to care whether Jim ate before. Before the potion. Maybe he should start thinking in terms of BP and AP from now on. Before Potion and After Potion.

Looking at the facts as Jim knew them, BP; Spock had been his friend and first officer. He had been somewhat solicitous of Jim’s well-being because Jim was his captain and friend, but it was impersonal and not very specific. He had not seemed to care about Jim’s food intake at all. AP, Spock was affectionate, caring, passionate, and pretty interested in Jim’s well-being and eating habits.

No doubt about it in Jim’s opinion. The ‘Loves Me’ potion had definitely changed Spock.

“I would know your thoughts,” Spock said softly.

“You won’t like their direction, I assure you,” Jim replied.

“There is nothing you could do or think that would displease me.”

“And that’s just laughable,” Jim muttered.

“Jim?”

“Spock, I think-I think you’re sick”

Spock stared at Jim as though he didn’t understand him at all. Probably didn’t. “I am not ill.”

“You probably just don’t know it. Spock, this-this isn’t you.”

“What is not?”

“All this passion and romance and caring.” Jim waved at his spaghetti.

Spock stiffened. His expression became much more closed off. “You believe I am incapable of caring?”

“Yes!” Jim nearly shouted. “I mean like this. I know you care. I know you feel. I know all that. And I’m not saying you can’t be passionate and romantic. I really don’t know about that. But you aren’t with me. You never have been. And this-this isn’t you. With me. At all.”

“What I know is that you are allowing some illogical fear to get in the way of the truth,” Spock said quietly. He stood and picked up his now empty bowl of soup. He disposed of it in the proper chute. “No matter how you try to twist them, my feelings are what they are. You are overwrought. Perhaps from your headache. Go take you shower and I will prepare the ship for the arrival at Starbase 4.”

“You don’t understand,” Jim whispered.

“I admit that I do not. But at present, we do not have time to delve into your insecurities and their cause. It will have to wait until after we transport my father to Roosedale.”

Jim was a little surprised when Spock stepped close to him. Spock lifted his chin and kissed him very slowly and gently.

“Spock, I—”

“Shh. All will be well, James.”

Spock then exited his quarters and Jim was left wondering how in the hell he could explain to Spock what he had done. Spock would hate him. And he didn’t even need the potion in the brown bottle for that.


	6. Talking with Bones

Sarek made Jim uncomfortable and nervous on a good day. This was definitely not a good day.

But he waited for Spock’s father in the transporter room alongside his first officer. His stomach was making horrible nervousy sounds he knew everyone else could hear. Spock had done his eyebrow thing at Jim just a moment ago, but mercifully had said nothing.

The door behind him slid open and Bones came to stand beside him. He very nearly kissed his friend. It wasn’t required of Bones to be there, but he had advised Jim he would be, nevertheless. 

Bones. Should he tell Bones what he did? Maybe he could give Jim some advice. Or kick Jim’s ass. Maybe both.

His temples were pounding, his palms were sweaty.

“Are you all right, Captain?” Spock asked.

“Right as rain,” Jim said way too flippantly. He clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palms.

Sarek would know, Jim decided. He’d take one look at the two of them and say, _‘What have you done to my son?’_

Because obviously Sarek would know that Spock could never ever love Jim without magical potions.

“Jim?” Bones was looking at him with obvious concern.

Jim forced a smile that hurt to even attempt.

The transporter activated and a few seconds later Ambassador Sarek appeared on the Enterprise.

As he stepped off the transporter, Jim stepped forward, already holding his hand up in the ta’al.

“Welcome aboard, Ambassador. It’s an honor to have you on board.”

“You are gracious, Captain,” Sarek replied.

Jim glanced at Spock. “Mr. Spock will escort you to your quarters while on board the Enterprise. We estimate the journey to Roosedale to take thirty-two hours.”

Sarek nodded. “Thank you, Captain. You will dine with us tonight in my quarters.”

It was a statement, not a request. Jim had anticipated he’d have to have an official dinner with Sarek while he was on the Enterprise, but he had assumed it would be more formal and in the mess room. This sounded incredibly private and invasive. For Jim, anyway.

He was half tempted to glance at Spock to see his first officer’s reaction, but he was trying to maintain his cool.

“Certainly, Ambassador.”

Jim watched as Spock and Sarek left the transporter room, each one as stiff and formal as the other.

“What’s wrong with you, Jim?” Bones asked.

Jim winced. “Is it obvious?”

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know if I can tell you.”

“Jim—”

“Bones, it’s-it’s complicated. It’s all fucked up in my head right now and I can’t even think straight.”

Bones frowned. “This has something to do with the hobgoblin doesn’t it?”

“How do you know that?”

“It always has something to do with him. Tell me.”

Jim glanced at the transporter chief who was trying to pretend he wasn’t listening. “Not here.”

Bones narrowed his eyes. “My quarters.”

“Bones—”

“Now, Jim.”

****

“I made Spock love me.”

“With your beauty and sparkling personality, I know,” Bones said. He held out a glass of bourbon to Jim.

He waved it away. ”I can’t show up to dinner with Sarek half-plastered.”

“Suit yourself. With two Vulcans on board, I need a drink.”

“And you don’t understand.” Jim plopped down on Bones’ bed and stared at the ceiling.

“Make yourself at home, why don’t you?”

Jim ignored him. “Remember those bottles I got from Tolsing?”

“The food flavorings.”

“Uh. Yeah. Well.”

“I don’t like the way you say that.”

“They were-they were potions.”

Bones looked down at Jim. “Potions?”

“A love potion and a, well, a not love potion.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Jim?”

He sighed. “The premier provided me with a potion to get Spock to love me. And a potion to remove the love, if I wanted to. And I-I gave the love potion to Spock in his tea. I knew it was wrong but I—”

Bone burst out laughing. “A love potion? Come on. There’s no such thing as that. People have been trying to make love potions for centuries and no one has ever done it.”

“But she said—”

“She was pulling your leg, Jim. Aren’t the Tolsing known for their weird senses of humor? She was playing you.”

Jim bit his lip. “But you said that Spock loving me was like magic.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “I didn’t really mean magic magic. Look, Jim, I’m a scientist. There’s no such thing as magic or a damn potion to make the hobgoblin love you.”

“Bones, right after I gave it to him, he suddenly was all over me.”

“Coincidence.”

Jim rose up onto his elbows. “You believe there’s no magic but there are coincidences?”

“That’s right. I’m pretty sure Spock loves you all on his own.” Bones made a face. “And God, don’t make me say _that_ again.”

“I wish I could believe it. I’m feeling so much guilt and my stomach’s all tied in knots.”

Bones clicked his tongue. “You should have told me before. I would have told you it was all bunk.”

The whistle whined.

“Spock to Dr. McCoy.”

“Speaking of. McCoy here.”

“Is the captain with you?”

Bones smirked at Jim. “He’s lying in my bed.”

“Bones!”

“He is what, doctor?”

“Yeah, he’s here.” Bones chuckled. “He’s about to leave though. You can have him back. McCoy out.”

Jim rose from the bed. “Thanks, Bones.”

“Do you feel better?”

“Mostly.” He still had nagging doubts, but what Bones said made sense. “I guess I better get ready for dinner.”

“With your father-in-law.”

Jim snorted. “Hardly. We’ve only had sex a couple of times and—”

“La, la, la.” Bones was plugging his ears.

Jim grinned and shoved him. He was feeling better. Maybe he could face Sarek after all.   


	7. Vulcan Dinner

Jim supposed he should have expected to find Spock waiting for him in his quarters. This Spock anyway. The old Spock—not to be confused with the older Spock, note to self—would never have presumed to enter the captain’s quarters without his permission. But this Spock was engaged in a relationship with Jim.

“May I ask what you were doing in the doctor’s bed?” Spock asked immediately.

“Lounging.”

Up shot the eyebrow. “Clarify.”

“Fully clothed by the way.”

Spock nodded. “I am relieved to hear that. However—”

“I was just laying there, Spock.”

“But for what purpose?”

“Just to talk to Bones.”

“Are there no chairs?”

Jim sighed. “Don’t we have dinner with your father?”

“Indeed. I am here to accompany you.”

“Afraid I’d be a no-show?” Jim teased.

“That thought had not occurred to me.”

“I’m kidding anyway.” Jim sighed. “All right, let’s go.”

Spock nodded and headed for the door.

“Spock?”

Spock turned around. “Yes, ashayam?”

“I really love you.”

Spock’s dark eyes noticeably softened. “I am gratified.”

“And I would do anything for you,” Jim continued. He swallowed. “Sacrifice anything.”

Spock stepped over to Jim and put his hand on Jim’s face. “I do not want your sacrifice, ashal-veh. But I, too, would do anything for you.”

Jim licked his lips. “Okay. All right. Let’s do this.”

****

Sarek was waiting for them.

He’d already had the table set with several vegetarian dishes and tea. He did not offer Jim any other beverage and Jim decided not to presume to ask for anything else. Though it was his ship, Sarek was an ambassador, his guest, and Spock’s father. He would behave as perfectly as he could manage.

He took his seat between the two Vulcans and picked up the delicate teacup in his big hand. He noticed the cups looked better in the hands of the far more refined elegant hands of the Vulcans.

“My son has advised me that you two are together,” Sarek said almost immediately.

Jim cleared his throat. It was difficult to provide a response here, because yes, they were, but no it was not the way it should be and Jim knew it. Nevertheless, he replied, “Yes, sir.”

Sarek nodded. “As you are no doubt aware, Spock was bonded as a child to a Vulcan female.”

“T’Pring, yes. Spock told me of her once.”

“She perished when Vulcan was destroyed.”

There was an unspoken moment of silence between the three of them. Vulcan’s destruction was still something Jim hadn't quite wrapped his mind around and he wasn’t even sure if he ever could. He’d felt the older Spock’s anguish from their meld and it was not something that could ever be erased from his memory. And yet…he could only imagine what Sarek and Spock felt, losing their planet, their people, and Amanda. To this day Spock would not talk about it.

“I was uncertain Spock would find another mate,” Sarek continued. “I was aware of his growing relationship with Nyota Uhura, however—”

“Father.”

“Well, as it happened, that has ended.” Sarek eyed Jim’s now empty teacup. “Would you care for more tea, Captain Kirk?”

“Yes, thank you. And you can call me Jim.”

Sarek poured him tea. “Is it your intention to formally bond with my son?”

Jim blinked, cleared his throat.

“Sa-mekh.” Then Spock said something rapidly in Vulcan to his father. The words seemed sharp. Jim could not make out any of them. Sarek replied also in Vulcan and with the same tone.  

Eventually, Sarek looked to Jim. “My son tells me that your relationship is very recent.”

“Yeah.” Jim cleared his throat again. “Yes, sir. Recent.”

Horrifyingly recent. And all Jim’s fault. Not in a good way. He vowed then that when this mission was over, he would have to tell Spock what he’d done with the potion and face the consequences.

“The food is quite delicious,” Jim said, changing the subject.

Sarek inclined his head. “I had them prepared to be as authentically Vulcan as was possible on your ship. They were recipes of my wife.”

“She must have been an amazing cook.”

“She was extraordinary in many things, cooking amongst them,” Sarek replied. “Like me, my son is drawn to human mates.”

Jim couldn’t help but smile. “Even though we are illogical?”

“Perhaps because you are illogical.”

“Yeah?”

“It is, as you say, a change of pace.”

“Indeed,” Spock murmured.

****

“I must meditate,” Spock told Jim after escorting Jim back to his quarters.

Jim nodded. “I figured. I’ll see you tomorrow for Roosedale.”

Spock seemed to be about to say something else but he closed his mouth and nodded. “Very well. Goodnight, Jim.”

“Night, Spock.”

Jim went to his shelf where he’d left the potions and stared at them. _Loves Me_. _Does Not Love Me_.  

Was having Spock’s love so wrong? Was it bad?

It wasn’t real. In spite of what Bones said, Jim knew Spock’s love came from a bottle. He was certain of it.

And well…at least he’d have the memory of what it was like when it all came crashing down around him.


	8. The Color of Chocolate, the Color of His Eyes, and the Color of Heartache

Jim had never really believed in God or spiritual things. Yet, he did believe in Karma. That this was perhaps a contradiction was something he never analyzed much.

Before he’d had possession of two supposed magical potions, he never would have believed in their effects either. Yet…

There was no real explanation for why Spock suddenly loved Jim beyond all measure. Beings like Spock simply did not fall in love with beings like Jim. In fact, Jim had learned long ago that love toward him was a sentiment that simply did not exist. Not in any meaningful way. It meant mere obligation and sometimes sick abuse that twisted his stomach, instilled dread and fear, and still left him with nearly nightly disturbing dreams.

And yes, it was true that Karma was a bitch and that very moment it was bitch slapping him.

He was pacing outside an operating room in the medbay with two others with him, though he didn’t dare look at either of them. If he looked at Uhura and Sarek surely they would look upon him with hatred for what he’d most likely orchestrated with his own selfish need to have Spock’s love.

Roosedale had been a disaster. Rebels interested in nothing more than ending any chance of peace had attacked and during the ensuing battle, Spock had directly placed himself in danger to save Jim.

And now it might as well have been Jim bleeding out in the medbay on an operating table instead of Spock. Jim was pretty sure he was going to throw up.

“Captain, you should try and get some rest,” Uhura said.

Jim shook his head.

“Leonard said it could be hours and you look wrecked.”

“I can’t,” Jim said flatly.

Her hand landed on his arm. “You’re barely standing, Jim, and you’re shaking.”

He shook his head. Made the mistake of glancing at Sarek, who stood rigidly to the side, looking calm and cool, and yet Jim knew he was anything but. Sarek looked as though he had aged twenty-five years in the last hour. Spock was all he had left.

The doors of the room opened and Bones walked out, haggard and pale, with green blood covering his scrubs.

Jim’s heart stopped, leapt up into his throat, and almost burst.

“He’s going to pull through.”

And his heart beat again.

****

Spock was awake and receiving visitors. Uhura had just left. Sarek was with Spock now. Jim lingered on the edge of the room, watching. He hadn’t really spent much time with Spock since he’d been in his recovery room. His emotions were so fragile, he didn’t dare give in to them. The last thing he needed to do was make things worse for Spock.

Sarek was talking to Spock about the failure of the diplomatic mission. Even now the Enterprise was on the way to return Sarek to the Starbase. The Federation was less than pleased.

Jim could see from where he stood that Spock was tiring and Sarek noticed it too for he suddenly said, “I will leave you to rest. I will come to see you again later.”

Sarek stopped beside Jim. "The lieutenant was right, James. You do need rest."

Jim smiled. "I'll try."

When Sarek had departed, Spock said softly. “Jim?”

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Jim approached Spock’s bed. ”I should probably let you rest too.”

“You are all right?”

“Yeah, I’m…Spock, I’m not the one who was hurt. You were. Stop.”

“I will always be concerned about you.”

“Well. What you did—you shouldn’t have.”

Spock shook his head. “You were in danger.”

“I could have gotten out of the way myself with a simple verbal warning. It’s not worth your life.”

“You are.”

“No!” Jim closed his eyes, frustrated. He opened them. “Spock, I don’t want you to do that.”

“You are my commanding officer as well as the most important person to me, there are no circumstances were I will not put your life before mine,” Spock said stubbornly.

“What if I made it an order?” Jim demanded.

“It would be an illogical order and one I would be set up to fail. You cannot stop me from loving you.”

Jim sucked in a breath. His chest felt like there was a tight band around it. Suddenly he was lightheaded and dizzy.

“Jim?”

“I-I have to go.”

“Jim?”

“You-you need to rest, Spock. I’ll be back later.”

Jim turned blindly away from Spock. He felt the air from his lungs whoosh out and he could barely breathe as he made his way to the exit of the medbay.

“Jim?”

“Not now, Bones.”

Jim made his way to the turbolift. How, he didn’t know. It was as though he was moving on autopilot and he wasn’t at all surprised to find himself at the door to his quarters.

He walked into his cabin and over to the shelf with the bottles.

 _Loves Me Not_.

“I can make you not love me, Spock,” Jim whispered, his hand closing around the square brown bottle.   

If Spock didn’t love Jim, he wouldn’t take such chances.

_“One drop of this would be what it would take. It removes the effect of the love potion, yes, but also can make the recipient not only cease to love you, but hate you as well. And the taste … it is bitter. Like the sentiment.”_

The premier’s words echoed in his mind.

Spock could hate him. Like when they first met. Back when Spock wanted to choke the very life out of Jim. All their progress, their friendship, could be all lost.

Jim would have only himself to blame for having Spock’s hate.

And yet…if it meant Spock could be safe, wouldn’t it be worth it?

****

“You look like you’re feeling better,” Jim said, smiling at Spock. He touched his fingers gently to Spock’s right cheek.

“I am gaining strength. Dr. McCoy says I need stay only another day, perhaps two.”

“That’s great news.” Jim reached for Spock’s hand, was pleased when Spock closed his around Jim’s. “I wanted to say something before I forget.”

“Very well.”

“No matter what ever happens between us, I wanted to say, I love you, Spock.”

“Jim?”

“I know. This isn’t the place. We’re in the middle of the medbay. But if I don’t get another chance—”

“Jim, we will have many chances.”

“Yeah.” Jim looked away for a moment, then he met Spock’s gaze. “Could you say that thing you say? The one about cherishing me?”

Spock’s brown eyes softened. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

He felt the prick of tears and willed it ruthlessly away.

“Want some tea, sweetheart?”

Spock seemed momentarily surprised at the change of subject, but he nodded. “Please.”

Jim went over to the replicator by Spock’s bed and ordered the tea Spock liked. He removed the square brown bottle and stared at it. “I’m sorry.” He opened it and put a drop in the tea, then returned it to the pocket of his pants.

He returned to Spock with the tea. “Here you are.”

“Thank you, ashayam,” Spock said taking the cup from him. He raised the cup to his lips.

Jim almost stopped him. Opened his mouth to say, “No!”, but he closed it and watched as Spock took a sip. He felt nauseous.

“It is more bitter than usual,” Spock commented.

“Y-Yeah. I’ll-I’ll see you?”

Spock blinked at him several times but said nothing.

Jim turned and left the medbay. As the doors closed behind him, he spotted Bones coming down the corridor toward him, obviously returning to the medbay.

Jim leaned against the bulkhead. His whole body felt weak, his head pounded hard and viciously. He was sweating profusely.

“Jim? What’s wrong?” Bones demanded, as he hurried over.

Jim sagged against him. “Heartache.”


	9. Unexpected News

“Bones.”

Bones studied Jim’s results as he lay in the biobed where his best friend had forced him to go after finding him in the corridor.

“Your vitals are crazy, but you didn’t have a heart attack,” Bones said with a frown.

“I know.”

“You had all the symptoms.” Bones shook his head. “And your head? How does that feel now?”

_Like I’ll never be happy again. Like darkness, doom, sorrow. A black cloud over me._

“Better,” Jim lied. This was his problem and not Bones’. He would have to deal with whatever the consequences were of what he had done.

Bones stared at him. “What’s happening? I know you’re sick. I can see it. But the tests…they’re inconclusive.”

“Can I be released?”

“No. I’m keeping you here for now.”

“Bones, Spock’s already in the medbay. I need to be on the bridge.”

“Scotty’s there now. I’m keeping you for some observation. Just to be sure.”

“Bones—”

“Jim, you look like hell. You’re pale, your vital signs are off the charts high, you were sweating, you had chest pain, and an excruciating headache. I’m not just releasing you.”

Jim closed his eyes. “It’s-it’s not physical. Or at least I don’t think so.”

“What the—”

Sarek appeared near Jim’s bed, clearing his throat delicately. “James, may I have a word with you?” He turned to Bones. “With your permission, of course.”

Bones nodded. “But don’t stay too long. He needs rest.” Bones squeezed Jim’s shoulder and walked out of the area surrounding Jim’s biobed.

Jim searched Sarek’s gaze but he gave nothing away. “How’s Spock?”

“Physically he is recovering,” Sarek replied. “However…did you have a falling out with my son?”

Jim felt his heart beat faster. “Falling out?”

“When I arrived, Spock spoke of a bond with you.”

“A bond? With me?” Jim shook his head. “We didn’t have a bond.”

“Spock has said otherwise.” Sarek stepped closer to Jim. “A rare bond Vulcans rarely experience.”

“I don’t know anything about that.”

“And now…he wishes to have it broken.” Sarek steepled his fingers. “I am perplexed by this. He seemed…more content than I had ever known him to be.”

“He was mistaken,” Jim whispered, his stomach twisting, bile rising to his throat. “If he thought we had a bond, then it wasn’t real.”

Sarek held his hand toward Jim’s face. “May I?”

“What do you want to do? A meld?”

“I wish merely to examine your mind. I should be able to detect your bond with Spock.”

“Okay. But there’s no bond. Maybe he just meant he wanted to form a bond. And if so, he’s probably changed his mind.”

Sarek touched his face. Jim felt none of the invasion he’d felt when Spock’s counterpart had melded with him. He felt nothing.

The hand lowered from his face. Sarek puckered his lips.

“No bond, right?”

“There is most definitely a bond in place with my son. However…”

Jim blinked rapidly, shaking his head. “However?”

“It is darkness, tainted, warped.” Sarek sucked in a breath. “I have never seen such a damaged bond. There is a gaping sickness.”

Jim licked his lips, swallowed, looked away from Spock’s father. “He hates me, doesn’t he?”

“Vulcans do not—”

He returned his gaze to Sarek. “Please. Tell me.”

“He…does.”

Jim looked down at his hands. “He can break the bond if he wants to. It doesn’t matter to me.”

Bones returned. “That’s long enough, Ambassador. I’m going to sedate Jim. His heart rate is too high.”

Sarek nodded. “Live long and prosper, James.”

He did not wait for an answer, but turned and left.


	10. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A really short chapter but I'm super busy and at least I got something up.

Jim was back in his quarters, reluctantly released by Bones. Jim had seen how upset Bones was to release him. Normally he would have tried to comfort his best friend in some way, but at the moment he was firing on autopilot.

It was Starfleet themselves that had ordered Bones to release Jim from the medbay. Admiral Barnett had contacted Bones, demanded to know the results of Jim’s tests, and demanded he be released when Bones had admitted Jim’s tests were inconclusive.

Jim had messages from the admiralty. So far he’d been able to put them off, but he was going to have to deal with them sooner rather than later.

He sat behind his desk looking at his PADD and reading the same words over and over.

_Commander Spock resigns from Starfleet and requests permission to be allowed to disembark on Starbase 4 with Ambassador Sarek, where he will accompany the ambassador to their ultimate destination of New Vulcan._

Jim had gone from feeling the greatest despair he had ever felt to being numb. Reading the same lines twenty times in a row had done that.

His door chimed. Once, twice, three times.

“Computer, identify visitor.”

“Lieutenant Nyota Uhura.”

He sighed, shook his head. “Release door.”

Uhura stepped in. She had tears in her eyes.

Jim stood up and came around the desk. “Lieutenant, I—”

“What did you do?” she asked tearfully.

“What?”

“What. Did. You. Do?”

“Uhura—”

“Spock resigned.”

“I know.”

“He-he would never leave you. Never. Unless you did something. Terrible. What did you do, Jim? I need to know. And you need to fix this.”

“I can’t. It’s-it’s impossible.”

Uhura gave a small gasp. “You did do something? What? Did you cheat on him?”

“No. No, never.” Jim turned away from her. “The truth is Spock didn’t really love me.”

“What? Why would you say that?”

“He didn’t love me until we came back from Tolsing.”

“Tolsing? What has that planet got to do with anything?”

“It’s too hard to explain.”

“Jim, I know Spock loves you. Has for the longest time.” She sighed. “That’s why we broke up.”

Jim turned to face her, shock coursing through him. “What?”

”Spock confessed his love for you not that long after you were revived by Khan’s blood. He told me he had been feeling it for a long time and tried to deny it but that your death and his reaction to it meant he could no longer deny it.” Uhura shook her head. “He didn’t want to tell you. He never thought you would feel the same. And I do admit when he did tell you, I was surprised. But believe me it’s been a long time that he’s felt that way.”

“Oh, my God.”

Tears fell on her cheeks. “You have to fix this. You can’t let him leave.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Talk to him.”

Jim turned away again. “He doesn’t want to hear from me.”

“Well, you better figure this out, James Kirk,” she said angrily.

He heard her leave. He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes.

What had he done? What had he fucking done?


	11. Staring at the Bottom of Your Glass Hoping One Day You'll Make a Dream Last

The moment her old wizened face appeared on his screen, Jim tensed. He didn’t know how he felt about her. A part of him hated her beyond reason, and he admitted it was perhaps not fair, for after all, he had used the potions. Yet she had given them to him.

“Captain Kirk, how pleasant it is to hear from you.”

“Is it?”

She smiled. “Of course. We were very fond of you on Tolsing.”

He was struck again by her beauty despite her elder appearance. Even on screen she radiated peace and an ethereal beauty. It was easy to trust her. To his detriment, Jim surmised.

“Fond?” He shook his head. “You have a funny way of showing it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t you?”

“Oh.” She nodded. “I see. You used the potions.” She hesitated before giving him a sad little smile. “Both of them.”

“Yes.” He was gritting his teeth. It came out like a growl.

“I am sorry, Captain. When I spoke to Commander Spock I sensed his deep affection for you.”

Jim sucked in a breath. “Why didn’t you mention it to me?”

“I obtained that information from our own telepathy, Captain. It was not my place to betray his confidence, especially as it had been unwittingly shared. What I could do was provide you with the potion. For one who already loves you, it would give them the push to act.” She shook her head. “Or I thought so anyway. In point of fact I have never known any of the potions to be used on a Vulcan. It was no certain outcome.”

“Why did you give me both potions? Why not just the love one?”

“Our laws, our ways, require both potions to be provided. You cannot have one without the other.” She looked off the screen. “I must go. However, too often the love humanoids think they want so desperately is not at all what they expected.”

“How do I reverse it? Is there a way?”

“You could give him a drop of the love potion again.”

Jim blew out a breath. “And Spock would love me?”

The Premier smiled. “Yes, Captain. Have a good life, James. It would be well-deserved.”

His screen went blank.

“Well? What are you going to do?” Bones demanded from the other side of Jim’s computer.

Jim stood and went to the potions. “I don’t know.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim went to the comm. “Kirk here.”

“Admiral Barnette, sir,” Uhura said. “He’s insisting.”

“Put him through.” Jim sat behind his desk once more.

“Kirk, you’ve been avoiding me.”

“No, sir. Just been very busy. And recovering, sir.”

“What are you going to do about Commander Spock’s resignation, Kirk?”

“Admiral?”

“It’s to our benefit to keep Commander Spock in Starfleet.”

Jim shook his head. “While I am aware Spock is highly regarded, I can’t force him to stay.”

“Force? Perhaps not. But you could strongly suggest he stay. I expect you to make every effort to retain him, Kirk. Barnette out.”

Jim shook his head and stood up again. He stared at Bones who stared right back at him.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“You know what, Jim. You gonna use that potion on Spock again. It would solve both yours and Starfleet’s problems.”

Jim went once more to the potions. Spock could love him all over again. It would solve everything. He picked up the amethyst bottle. His hand shook. He picked up the brown bottle.

“Jim?”

He smashed the bottles together as they shattered into a hundreds of pieces. He was through manipulating Spock.

“What am I going to do, Bones?” Jim asked softly. “I’m going to let him go.”


	12. If You Talk Enough Sense Then You'll Lose Your Mind

“We’ve reached the orbit of Starbase 4, Captain.”

Jim dug his fingers into the palm of his right hand. His heart hurt with its dull ache in his chest and he was more than a little nauseated. He’d thrown up earlier and his head was pounding like it might explode any time.

“Thank you, Mr. Sulu.”

It was his duty as Captain to see Ambassador Sarek and Spock off the ship. A duty he cared not at all for. He had barely seen Spock as they made their way to the Starbase and Jim knew it was cowardly. But he dreaded seeing Spock’s hate in person. Feeling it had been bad enough.

Oddly he’d felt nothing from Spock at all now. But Jim was aware Spock could shield.

He was expecting Bones. He hadn’t asked Bones to accompany him, but Bones had insisted anyway.

His door chimed.

“Come in, Bones.”

But instead of his best friend, Sarek stepped inside.

 “I am not the doctor.”

“Ambassador.”

Sarek shook his head. “You are my son’s mate, I prefer you to use my name.”

“Only for a short time. He’ll break the bond once he reaches New Vulcan.”

“I do not believe he wants to break the bond.”

“But you said—”

“Spock was initially overwhelmed by the emotion of hate, but it has faded. I do not believe it will last. Even now he fights it.”

“Sarek—”

“James, I know my son. There has never been anyone else like you. I do not know why he is experiencing this…confusion…now, but he does not wish to break the bond.”

“He’s going down to the Starbase with you.”

“Negative.”

“I received his resignation.”

“I assure you, James, he is staying.”

Jim shook his head, confused.

“It is time for me to leave.”

“I will accompany you to the transporter room.”

Sarek put his hand on Jim’s shoulder. “There is no need. We will be in touch soon, James.”

Sarek turned and left.

Spock was not going to the Starbase with his father? It didn’t make sense.

His door chimed almost immediately.

“Bones?”

The door swooshed open.

Spock was standing just inside the door of Jim’s quarters. Still dressed in his science blue uniform.

“Commander.”

“Captain.”

“Did you-did you want to make a final report?”

“I have spent the last twelve hours meditating,” Spock replied.

“Twelve hours? That’s-that’s a long time.” Jim swallowed. He felt totally stupid.

“It was…required. Before a few days ago I felt more contentment than I had ever known. I have never belonged truly anywhere. On Vulcan, on Earth. I was a child of two worlds, a man of neither. And yet…I belonged with you. In ways that were wholly unexpected.”

“Spock—”

Spock held up his hand and took several steps forward. “I did not understand. You are my t’hy’la. I do not believe I made a mistake in that.”

“I-I don’t know.”

“You have been my friend. The feelings I experience now are not authentic.” Spock stepped closer still. “I propose a meld.”

“With me?”

Spock arched a brow. “Who else?”

Jim took a step back. “You-you won’t like what you see.”

“I am in turmoil. Will you not help me?”

His headache worsened as he felt the prick of tears sting his eyes. “Okay. Okay, Spock. Anything.”

Spock walked toward him, his hand raised toward Jim’s face. Jim made himself stand straight and in place, without retreating. Cool fingers touched his face and in a flash Spock was in his mind, probing. It was different than the meld he’d had with the elder Spock. No memories sped through his mind as before. It was just a gentle probing.

Almost as soon as it began it was over and Spock’s fingers dropped from his face.

Spock’s dark eyes were fathomless as he stared into Jim’s eyes. Jim felt naked, exposed, raw.

“Spock?”

“You are a foolish human.”

Jim’s licked his lips. “Yeah.”

“But you are my foolish human.”

For several heartbeats Jim was certain he misheard.  He dared not hope and yet his heart thundered hard in his chest.

“I—”

“I have made you speechless. A rarity to be sure.”

“Spock?”

“Where are these potions?”

“You know? From the meld?” At Spock’s nod, Jim replied, “I destroyed them.”

“I do not understand why you would use these potions.”

“I know,” Jim whispered. “I wish I understood it myself.”

“Explain.”

Jim couldn’t look at Spock and confess his weakness at the same time. So he turned away.

“I’ve never been in love before. I’ve had lots of sex. Lots. And for the most part I’ve never apologized for that. And I never cared for love. I’d never had it, so I didn’t care.” Jim bit his lip. “That all started to change, you know, when I met Pike. For a while, I don’t know, it was almost like I had a dad. A good one. Then I met Bones. I’ve never had a friend before.” He dared a look at Spock. “Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

He held Spock’s gaze for a moment, then looked away again. “Bones was the best. Then there was you. From the moment you walked up to that podium all uppity and ready to burn me, God, Spock, I couldn’t look away. And for the longest time I hated having to love you. Part of me wished you would have succeeded when you were choking me.”

“Jim.”

“You didn’t love me. You hardly tolerated me. And you were with-with her. Eventually I just pushed it away. Hell, you filed a report against me. But it was still there, though I could ignore it. Mostly. And even when you broke up with-with her, your-your expression…it never changed. You didn’t look at me any different than you looked at Sulu or Chekov. I lost hope. If ever I had it. Then I was at Tolsing and the Premier offered me those potions.”

Jim walked farther away from Spock, hugging himself. “It was impossible to resist using the love potion. To have your love, God, I would have done anything. Or I thought so anyway. But it-it never felt real.”

“Why did you use the other potion then?”

“You almost died because I made you love me.” Jim swallowed heavily. “I hated it. You can’t die for me.”

Jim felt Spock step closer. He didn’t look at Spock, couldn’t. He was open and bleeding.

“You never needed a potion,” Spock’s soft words were like a caress.

“To make you hate me?”

“Jim.” There was a sigh in the word. Frustration.

“If it’s true, if you loved me, why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Because as I told you, I never belonged anywhere until I belonged with you. I could not, would not, ruin that. I very nearly did, when, as you said, I filed the report. I nearly lost you when you gave your life to save the ship. I could not lose you again.”

Jim turned to him, heart in his throat. “Spock. And now? Do you-do you—I can’t even ask. I’m going to be sick.”

“What, Jim?”

“Do you still love me?”


	13. Please Forgive Me I Can't Stop Lovin' You

“Unlike you,” Spock said softly, “I have known love. My mother’s love was unconditional. I never realized the value of that until it was gone. My father—though he did not approve of my choices—has provided me with his love as best he is capable. And Nyota…she gave me a woman’s love and now the love of friendship. And though each in their own way are cherished by me, it is different than our bond.”

“Is that good or bad?” Jim was pretty sure he wouldn’t like the answer, but he asked anyway.

Spock had moved so he was directly in front of Jim and though Jim wanted to turn away in retreat once more, he did not. “It is…remarkable.”

His throat closed up so he couldn’t get any words out, hardly any air, really. All he could do was stare at Spock. Expecting…what? He wasn’t even sure.

“In spite of your potion to undo my love it could not be undone. No magical means can change what you are to me and I am to you.”

“Then you do? Love me?” The words were harsh and whispery. Wind outside would have carried them away with his heart.

Spock took Jim’s hand and moved it under his uniform shirts to rest on Spock’s bare side, at the place where he heart lay.

“You only have to feel this, to touch here, to know the answer.”

The tears were back. He hated crying. It was ugly and snotty and not pretty as romance novels would have you believe. And it showed a weakness he had long suppressed from those who wanted to hurt him.

“I am not them, Jim.”

“I know.”

“Do you? You expect the pain, the hurt, the very hate you tried to cultivate.” Spock sighed a little. “As I said, you are my foolish human.”

“I don’t know why you love me,” Jim admitted, closing his eyes. “I think that’s why I never believed it was real.”

“I love you for who and what you are. I love you in spite of who and what you are.” Spock’s lips touched his forehead. “Is it not the same for your feelings toward me?”

“You? You’re perfect.”

“You do not always think so. Think of all the times you have wanted to smother me with a pillow.”

Jim laughed at that. He couldn’t help it. For yeah, it was true. “There’s no one else I want to smother more than you.” He opened his eyes in time to see Spock give him a quizzical look and the telltale tilt of his head.

“I am not certain that is a positive statement,” Spock said eventually.

“It is.” Jim shook his head. He was leaning into Spock. He’d tried to hold himself back. Waiting for it to be all right for Spock. But being this close—needing Spock this much—he could not resist. “Can you forgive me?”

Spock reached up to frame Jim’s face in his hands. His eyes were like molten chocolate. “I have seen what is in your mind, I know what is in your heart. There is nothing I could not forgive of you.”

“I love you, Spock. So much.”

“And I love you, Jim.”

“Did I-have I damaged the bond?”

“It is hurting but it can be repaired.”

“How?”

Spock’s lips curved. “Let me show you.”

He moved them to the bed, removing both of their clothes as he did so. By the time Jim was naked, he was achingly hard and ready for Spock to take him.

Spock lifted Jim’s legs high in the air and wrapped them around his waist. “I must claim you.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips. “I want to be claimed.”

Spock aligned his cock to Jim’s hole and pushed in slowly and carefully, his natural lubrication easing the way. Jim clutched at the sheets as he adjusted to being filled by Spock once more.

His Vulcan began to move within him as he locked their hands together, thrusting hard and sure inside him. Jim’s leaking cock yearned to be touched but Spock held his hands captive as he slid inside him again and again, taking them to a feverish pitch. Spock pulled his hand away from Jim’s, resting his fingers upon Jim’s face. He whispered Vulcan words and Jim could feel him everywhere … everywhere.

Jim went off like a rocket, without even touching himself, his whole body shaking, his mind exploding with wonder, even as Spock cried out, pouring into him.

He didn’t know how long they lay together entwined on the bed, neither of them moving, never wanting to move, or be apart.

Spock was kissing him softly, over and over again, and Jim kissed him back, perhaps a little languidly, perhaps not.

“I feel your happiness,” Spock whispered, kissing Jim’s nose.

Jim’s heart leaped and he slid his hand over to Spock’s side. “And I feel yours.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim slipped his tongue into Spock’s mouth.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk. Communication from Admiral Barnette, Sir.”

“Seriously?” Jim sighed. “I take it your withdrawing you resignation?”

Spock pushed amusement through their bond. “Unless you would like to resign with me. We could both go to New Vulcan. And work on starting our family.”

Jim blinked. “Our-our what?”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk. Sir, are you reading?”

“Your ex-girlfriend is annoying,” Jim complained.

“You are whining, Jim.”

“Did you say our family?”

“I did.”

“How are we supposed to do that?”

“There are ways,” Spock said, kissing him. “The admiral is waiting, Captain.”

Jim wrapped his arms around Spock and pulled him as close as he could. “Let him wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap on this one and I thank you for reading it.
> 
> As I said at the beginning of this story I was inspired by a 1960 episode of the Twilight Zone called "The Chaser".
> 
> In it a young man is desperately in love with a woman who wants nothing to do with him. Someone suggests to him that he visit an old man who can help him. This old man sells him a love potion for $1. When the young man wonders why it is so cheap, the old man explains that customers always come back for the "Chaser" which he sells for $1000. The young man leaves and gains his wish, the woman falls madly in love with him, but so much in love that she never leaves him alone and she is clingy. 
> 
> He returns to the old man for the "chaser" which actually kills the person it is given to, so it's more than an anti-potion as in my story. 
> 
> In the Twilight Zone episode she ends up telling him she is pregnant right before he is going to poison her, so of course he doesn't. But he is stuck iwith a lovestruck woman he no longer wants.


End file.
